Soviet Jokes

Lenin showed us how to govern

Stalin showed us how not to govern

Khrushchev showed us that any fool can govern

Brezhnev showed us that not every fool can govern

—–

What’s the most terrible Odessa curse?

That you live all your life on your salary!

—–

Brezhnev asked the Pope, ‘Why do people believe in a Catholic paradise, but refuse to believe in a communist paradise?’

‘Because we don’t show our paradise!’

—–

‘Comrade,’ asks the secretary of the Party Bureau, ‘Do you have an opinion on this question?’

‘I have an opinion yes, but I don’t agree with it!’

—–

What is democratic centralism?

It’s when everyone together says, ‘yes’ and when everyone individually says, ‘nay’

—–

In a jail, two inmates share their experience.

“What are you here for?”

“I told an anecdote about Stalin. And you?”

“I’m here for my laziness.”

“???”

“On my birthday we sat and told anecdotes. One guest told an anecdote about Stalin. I was lazy and did not run to inform at once. I went in the morning, but my neighbor had been there before….”

—–

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper’s office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

“Comrade Khrushchev among pigs,” “Comrade Khrushchev and pigs,” “Pigs around comrade Khrushchev,” — all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is “The third from left – comrade Khrushchev.”

—–

A frightened man came to the KGB “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“This is not our case. Go to the criminal police.”

“Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot.”

—–

After a retired KGB general revealed in press some unsavory details of the KGB practice, the Chairman of the KGB Kryuchkov called Gorbachev.

“We must take away from that traitor all his decorations and titles. He is a liar, he’s dishonest, he’s a crook!”

“Can you prove that?”

“What other proof you need? He served in the KGB!”

—–

What is the difference between the two newspapers “The Truth” and “The News”?

In “The Truth” there is no news, and in the “The News” there is no truth.

—–

During a meeting with a psychiatrist:

‘Doctor, I have different personalities: I think one thing, I speak another, and I do a third.’

‘So? That only proves you are quite normal!’

—–

In a questionnaire for applicants to the communist Party membership one of the questions was, “What is your attitude to the Soviet authority?” One applicant answered, “The same as to my wife.” To the request to elaborate, the applicant explained, “First, I love her; second, I fear her; third, I wish I had another one.”

—–

In a school in the republic of Georgia the teacher asked the students to tell about their fathers.

“Turashvili, tell about your father.”

“My father grows oranges. He takes them to Moscow, sells there and makes good money.”

“Now you, Beridze.”

“My father grows laurel leaves. He takes them to Moscow, sells there, and makes good money.”

“Now you, Klividze.”

“My father works in the Division for the Fight Against Embezzlements and Speculations. When Beridze’s and Turashvili’s fathers go to Moscow, they always first see my father. So he makes good money.”

“Now you, Chavchavadze.”

“My father is a chemical engineer.”

The class burst in laughter.

“Children,” the teacher said. “It’s not good to laugh at somebody’s grief.”

—–

A woman walks into a food store. “Do you have any meat?”

“No, we don’t.”

“What about milk?”

“We only deal with meat. Across the street there is that store where they have no milk.”

—–

Americans wondered how can it be that the Soviet citizens voluntarily buy the state bonds which never pay back. The Soviet envoy said, “That’s right. In our country everything is being done strictly on voluntary basis. Even our dogs lick pepper voluntarily.”

“Kidding!’ the Americans said. “We would like to see a dog licking pepper.”

“No problem,” the Soviet envoy said. A dog was brought in, an embassy’s servant took pepper and rubbed in under the dog’s tail. The dog whined and started feverishly lick under his tail.

“Do you see?” the Soviet ambassador said. “It’s really very simple. Our people buy the bonds the same way.”

—–



Stalin summoned Radek and said, “I know you spread jokes about me. It’s impertinent.”

“Why?”

“I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all.”

“No, I’ve not told anybody this joke.”

—–

Stalin walked into Lenin’s office and asked, “Vladimir Ilyich, may I order to shoot a dozen communists?”

“If the interests of the Party demand it, by all means,” Lenin answered.

“Vladimir Ilyich, if necessary, may we shoot one hundred communists?”

“If necessary, the answer is Yes.”

“Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if need be, shoot one thousand Party members?”

“If there is a real need, yes.”

“Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if the situation demands, shoot one million of Party Members?”

“Eh, Iosif Vissarionovich, now we’ll criticize you in a comradely way, and may even say to you that you exaggerate a little.”

—–

During the war, Stalin discussed with Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. “What do you think, comrade Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?”

“West, comrade Stalin.”

“Go and think, comrade Zhukov!”

As Zhukov walked out, he muttered, “What a pig!”

Stalin’s secretary Poskrebyshev overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to Stalin’s office.

“Whom did you have in mind when you said ‘What a pig?’ Stalin asked.

“Of course, I meant Hitler,” Zhukov said.

“Then whom did you have in mind, comrade Poskrebyshev?” Stalin said.

—–

At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a slogan, “Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!”

The Party representative approaches the old man. “What’s that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!”

“That’s precisely what I’m grateful to him for!” the Jew said.

—–

The Romanian minister of Transport visits his counterpart in Russia. He is surprised to see the luxurious house and his rich lifestyle, much more than one would expect for a party member of his rank.
-How do you manage? he asks. The Russian minister takes him to the window and asks:
-Do you see that bridge over there?
-Yes.
-Well, that bridge cost one hundred million rubles. And from such a large sum a little bit comes my way… A few years later the Russian minister returns the visit. The Romanian minister has an even more lavish lifestyle. The Russian asks:
-How do you manage?
-You see that bridge over there?
-What bridge?
-Well, that bridge too cost one hundred million lei.

—–

Brezhnev died and was sent to hell. To honor his lifetime achievements, the hell’s manager allowed Brezhnev to choose himself a torture. Brezhnev walked along the aisles. He saw Stalin in a tub of boiling water, then he saw Hitler hanging upside down, and then he noticed Khrushchev who was holding in his lap Marilyn Monroe. “Oh,” Brezhnev said. “I choose the same torture as the one given to Khrushchev!”

The hell’s manager said, “Sorry, Brezhnev, this is not Khrushchev who is tortured, it’s a torture for Marilyn Monroe.

—–

A Russian and an American were frozen and revived one hundred years later. They both died at once. The American died because he heard a radio broadcast that said, “Collective farms of Oklahoma and Minnesota report to the Central committee of the Party on the fulfillment of their socialist obligations….”

And the Russian died because he heard a radio broadcast that said, “At the 246th congress of the Party, the General Secretary comrade Brezhnev said….”

—–

During Brezhnev’s visit to England, Prime Minister Thatcher asked the guest, “What is your attitude to Churchill?”

“Who is Churchill?” Brezhnev said.

Back in the embassy, the Soviet envoy said, “Congratulations, comrade Brezhnev, you’ve put Thatcher in her place. She will not ask stupid questions any more.”

“And who is Thatcher?” Brezhnev said.

—–

Stalin was reanimated several years after his death. He walked the streets, and came to the conclusion that after his death everything went bad, the people forgot the proper order, started dressing in many different ways rather than the way prescribed by the Party, the discipline deteriorated, nobody cares about building communism. He walked into the Kremlin, and then straight into the room where the Politburo was in a meeting. All Politburo members jumped up, and were ready to fulfil everything the “Father of People” would deem proper.

“I have two suggestions,” Stalin said. “The first is to shoot all the deputies of the Supreme Soviet. The second is to paint Lenin’s tomb green.”

One of the Politburo members asked diffidently, “Comrade Stalin, why green?”

“I knew there would be no objections to the first proposal,” Stalin said.

—–

Brezhnev gives a speech at a Party congress, and says, “Comrade, the Planning Committee reports that next year we’ll have no meat. Your suggestions?”

The audience is silent. Then a lone voice from the audience sounds, “We’ll work ten hours a day!”

Brezhnev continues, “The planning Committee reports that in two years we’ll have no milk products. Your suggestions?”

The audience is silent, then the same voice sounds, “We’ll work twelve hours a day.”

Brezhnev continues, “The Planning Committee reports that in three years we’ll have shortage of bread. Your suggestions?”

The same voice says, “We’ll work day and night without rest.”

Tears appear in Brezhnev’s eyes. “Thank you, dear comrade for your patriotic initiative. Let me ask you, where do you work?”

“In a crematorium.”

—–

A Jew applied for a visa to leave for Israel. During an interview at the passport office, the official asked, “Why do you want to leave the best country in the world?”

“I have two reasons,” the Jew answered. “One is that my neighbor is an anti-Semite, and when he’s drunk, he knocks at my door and shouts, ‘Just wait, as soon as the Soviet regime is over with, we kill you, Jews!”

“But you shouldn’t worry,” the official said. “The Soviet state is forever.”

“That is my second reason,” the Jew said.

—–

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say “What is that?” say “Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say “What is that?” say “Who is that?” That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say “Who is that?” say “What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

—–

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?
A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.
Q: And what’s a misfortune?
A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

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