Communism jokes

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.

The Frenchman said, “Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!”

The Englishman said, “Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman.”

The Russian said, “Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?

—–

Q: Who is a communist?
A: A person who read the works of Marx and Lenin.
Q: Who is an anticommunist?
A: A person who understood them.

—–

A boy in Moscow asked his father a ruble as in his school money was being collected to donate to the starving people of an African country.

“They don’t need our money,” the father said. “Their climate is excellent, the soil fertile, they must have everything they may dream of.”

Next day, the boy said, “Father, the teacher said this money is to help the Communist party in that African country.”

“Ah,” the father said. “Here are two rubles. If they have a Communist Party, then they certainly have starving people.”

—–

On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: “Is it true that in the USSR the pay does not correspond to the work?”
“Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to work.”

—–

Is it possible to live on your salary?
Don’t know, didn’t try.

—–

What’s the difference between socialism and capitalism?
Under capitalism one person exploits another person, and under socialism – the opposite.

—–

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party finds YOU!

—–

When did the first Soviet elections take place?
When God put Eve before Adam and said: “Choose yourself a wife!”

—–

(written on a wall, Praha 1968)

Why is Czechoslovakia the most neutral country in the world? Because it doesn’t even interfere in its own internal affairs

—–

In some country, communists managed to get elected to govern. In a few months the economy had become as it could be expected from anyone following the Soviet model. As the USSR promised help, the country’s President sent a telegram to Brezhnev, “Please send food.”

Brezhnev answered with a telegram, “Tighten the belts.”

The next telegram from the new communist-ruled country said, “Urgently send belts.

—–

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

“Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?”

“Yes, I do a little.”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?”

“If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking.”

“Do you drink?”

“Yes, a little.”

“Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness.”

“Then I shall cease drinking.”

“Comrade Ivanov, what about women?”

“A little….”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?”

“If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer.”

“Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?”

“Of course. Who needs such life?”

—–

On the occasion of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution, a meeting of Party members is held in a village. The Chairman of the local Soviet gives a speech,

“Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, here sits Maria. Who was she before? An illiterate peasant woman, she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village, had no horse, no cow, and even no axe. And now? He is a tractor driver, and has two pairs of shoes! Or look at Trofim Semenovich Alekseev. He was a nasty hooligan, a lowest drunkard, a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything his gaze fell upon. And now he’s a Secretary of the Party Committee!

—–

A man died and was sent to the paradise. After a while, he became bored with the paradise, with the eternal quiet, abundance of flowers, absence of worries. So he requested to let him visit the hell as a tourist. God consented. In the hell, he saw people playing cards, drinking wine, and making love. He liked it very much and upon return to the paradise applied for a transfer to hell for good. God consented. As soon a he appeared at the hell’s gate, demons grabbed him and pushed him into a barrel with hot tar.

“Stop it! I was here with a visit and saw the people drinking vodka, playing cards, making love.”

“Don’t confuse the area designated for tourists and sustained by the Propaganda Department, with this area which is for residents.

—–

Seven paradoxes of the socialist state:

Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.

—–

A Russian in Heaven

A Soviet citizen had died.

‘Well,’ he was asked in heaven, ‘which would you rather, the communist heaven or the capitalist hell?’

The Soviet citizen smiled. At least he was allowed a free choice. And of course he chose the capitalist hell.

A year went by and the citizen applied to God to be transferred to the communist heaven.

‘By all means,’ said God, ‘you may transfer.’

The citizen moved to the communist heaven where the inhabitants crowded round him and asked: ‘Well, what is it like in the capitalist hell?’

‘It’s exactly the same as here as far as I can see,’ says the citizen. ‘Even the work is the same. They’re pumping water too.’

‘How many hours do they work?’

“The same as you do.’

‘Then why did you want to come here? It seems there’s no difference between here and there.’

‘Oh-h-h . . .’ says the citizen, ‘there’s a very big difference. There you have to work from eight a.m. to eight p.m. whereas here first they organize a party meeting, then a conference, then they hound you to another meeting, then it’s smoke time and by then the pump could have broken down . . .’

—–

How far from Communism

Brezhnev asked the Computer Centre to calculate how far they were from Communism.

The scientists fed all the data into the computer and waited.

A day passed, another, a third . . . and finally the computer disgorged its answer on perforated tape: 18 kilometres.

The scientists were astonished. It must be a mistake. The programme would have to be repeated.

They repeated it but again they got the same reply.

The institute’s old janitor suddenly hit on the explanation:

‘Listen, friends, there’s no mistake, it’s perfectly correct.

Comrade Brezhnev told us that each Five-Year Plan would bring us one step closer to Communism.’

—–

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn’t approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: “Workers of all countries, forgive me.

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1 comment to Communism jokes

  • Leobio MonsterID Icon Leobio

    This is real story not a joke.

    When Stalin was alive he committed a lot of atrocities. After he died, Khrushchev took over and in his first General Assembly of the Party he read a speech denouncing Stalin’s crimes.
    At one point in his speech, a voice cried out: “And where were you, Comrade Khrushchev, when all these crimes were being committed?” Khrushchev paused, look over the hall, and in a thunderous voice demanded, “Who said that?” The hall was silent. Khrushchev then called out, “Whoever said that stand, stand up!”

    Again, no one moved. Then Khrushchev looked in the general direction the voice had come from, and said, “Comrade, that what I did too.”

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